Today marks the release of COCAINE BEAR, a movie that sounds like it was concocted between bong hits.
The plot neatly falls into the "animals behaving badly" category of elevator-pitch movies, just like Eight Legged Freaks, Snakes on a Plane, and Sharknado did before it.
Unfortunately, Cocaine Bear is not good—not even in a way that makes it entertaining to watch while inebriated. The movie just doesn't work, and you can't help but get the impression that it was made solely to be sliced up for a popular YouTube trailer.
In the same manner as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is inspired by actual marshmallows, the movie is "influenced by genuine occurrences." Fortunately, artistic licence was utilised for the movie. This bear enjoys himself a lot more.
Then Cocaine Bear cuts to a passionate couple of hikers in the forest below. They are deeply in love, constantly talking about getting married and being at one with nature, and are therefore doomed to a bad ending.
The scene is thus set for an eccentric ensemble of people to head to Blood Mountain to get the equipment.
Cynically speaking, Cocaine Bear was created to attract algorithmic attention, much like that yassified dance performed by the M3GAN doll.
This all speaks to Cocaine Bear's major flaw: the fact that it's not hilarious. Although Elizabeth Banks is a talented comedic actor and her direction enhances the conversation,
the writing mainly fails, save for one humorous moment where the youngsters think you drink coke by the tablespoon. Events plod along like a sober bear, which is amazing lack of zip for a movie about a stimulant.